its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
