Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
