he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
