This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
