Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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