I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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