perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
