She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
