I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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