New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
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Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
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I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My feet surprised me
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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