ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
