i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
