So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
