ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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