I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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