My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
