We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
