I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
