fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
