Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
