Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
farters have to be the big spoon...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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