I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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