i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
