We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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