By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
