keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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