I think I just saw someone hide a body.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
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My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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