Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
