Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
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