So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
