I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
