i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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