I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
