Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
