we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
