The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
