There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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