the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
