you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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