It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
