i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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