Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
