So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
