It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
