The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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