I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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