I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
