pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
