So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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