I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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