I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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