i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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