Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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