I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
