Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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