CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
