My liver just broke up with me...
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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