So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
