I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
