franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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